children Archives - Joyful Pediatrics

No parent likes catching their child in a lie.

It can be frustrating.
It can be surprising.
And sometimes, if we’re being honest, it can feel a little personal.

You ask a simple question:

“Did you brush your teeth?”
“Yes.”

Toothbrush? Bone dry.

Or maybe it’s bigger.

“Did you finish your homework?”
“Yep.”
(You already know the answer is no.)

Or the one that really gets parents:

“Did you hit your brother?”
“No.”
…while the brother is standing there crying.

When kids lie, it can trigger all kinds of reactions in us. We start wondering:

Is this normal?
Is this a character issue?
Is something wrong?
Am I raising a dishonest kid?

Let us reassure you right away:

Most kids lie.
And most of the time, it does not mean you have a “bad kid.”

It means you have… a kid.

But that doesn’t mean all lying is the same.

Some of it is developmentally normal.
Some of it is testing boundaries.
And some of it is a signal that something deeper needs your attention.

The Kindergartener and the Missing Marker

Adam remembers talking with a little boy once who had taken a marker from his classroom and stuffed it in his backpack.

When the teacher asked about it, he looked her straight in the eye and said, “That’s not mine.”

A few minutes later, there it was, uncapped and rolling around at the bottom of his bag.

When I asked him why he lied, he burst into tears and said, “I didn’t want her to be mad at me.”

That’s important.

A lot of young kids don’t lie because they’re manipulative or sneaky in the way adults think of it. They lie because they are trying to avoid a consequence, escape embarrassment, or protect themselves from disappointment.

In other words: the lie is often less about deception and more about fear.

Why Kids Lie in the First Place

There are a lot of reasons kids lie, and not all of them are equal.

Sometimes kids lie because:

They want to avoid getting in trouble
They’re embarrassed
They want approval
They’re testing what they can get away with
They don’t fully understand the difference between fantasy and reality yet
They’re trying to protect someone else
They feel pressure to perform
They’re impulsive and answer before thinking

That’s why context matters so much.

A 5-year-old saying, “I didn’t eat the cookie,” with chocolate on their face is very different from an older child repeatedly lying in ways that hurt relationships or cover bigger patterns.

What’s Usually Normal

1. Little Lies to Avoid Trouble

This is the classic childhood lie.

“Did you spill that?”
“No.”

This is incredibly common, especially in younger kids. They know a rule was broken. They don’t want the consequence. They panic.

That doesn’t make it okay.
But it does make it understandable.

2. Imaginative or Exaggerated Stories

Young kids especially can blur the line between imagination and reality.

“I have a pet dragon.”
“My teacher let me be principal for the day.”
“I scored 10 goals at recess.”

Sometimes this is creativity.
Sometimes it’s wishful thinking.
Sometimes it’s social currency.

Usually, it’s not a red flag. It’s development.

3. “Performance Lies”

Older kids sometimes lie because they feel pressure.

They say they turned something in when they didn’t.
They say they studied when they didn’t.
They say everything is fine when it’s clearly not.

Often, this is less about dishonesty and more about fear of letting you down.

That doesn’t mean we excuse it.
But it does mean we should look beyond it.

What Needs More Attention

Sometimes lying is not just “kid stuff.”

Sometimes it’s a pattern that deserves a closer look.

1. The Lies Are Constant and Automatic

If a child lies even when the truth would be easier…
If they lie about small things that don’t seem to matter…
If it feels almost reflexive…

That’s worth paying attention to.

Sometimes this can be tied to anxiety, shame, impulsivity, or a long-standing habit of self-protection.

2. The Lies Are Causing Harm

There’s a difference between:

“I brushed my teeth.”

…and…

“She did it,” when they know they’re getting a sibling or peer in trouble.

When lying starts hurting other people, damaging trust, or causing real consequences, that moves into a different category.

3. The Lies Seem Tied to Bigger Emotional Struggles

If lying is showing up alongside:

big anxiety
school refusal
intense perfectionism
frequent emotional outbursts
major behavior changes
social struggles
low self-esteem

…then the lying may be a symptom, not the core issue.

And symptoms deserve curiosity, not just punishment.

4. The Child Shows No Remorse or No Concern About Trust

Most kids, when calm, understand that lying damages trust.

If a child consistently lies, doubles down, blames others, and shows no concern for the impact over time, that may be a sign you need more support and closer guidance.

That doesn’t mean panic.
But it does mean don’t ignore it.

What Parents Should Do in the Moment

1. Stay Calm

If your reaction is huge, your child learns one thing:

The truth is dangerous.

And if the truth feels dangerous, the lying often gets worse.

Calm doesn’t mean permissive.
It means controlled.

2. Focus on Safety First, Then Truth

A simple phrase I love:

“You’re not in trouble for telling me the truth. But we do need to tell the truth so we can fix it.”

That kind of language lowers the temperature and invites honesty.

3. Don’t Trap Them If You Already Know

This is a big one.

If you already know what happened, avoid the courtroom setup.

Instead of:
“Did you hit your brother?”

Try:
“I know there was hitting. Help me understand what happened.”

That shift reduces the instinct to deny.

4. Address the Lie and the Need Underneath It

If your child lies about homework, the issue isn’t only honesty.

It may also be:

overwhelm
avoidance
fear of failure
executive functioning struggles
shame

If we only punish the lie, we may miss the real problem.

How to Build Honesty Over Time

1. Make Truth-Telling Safe

Kids need to believe:

The truth matters
The truth helps
The truth may still have consequences, but it won’t destroy the relationship

That’s a huge difference.

2. Praise Honesty — Especially When It’s Hard

When your child admits something difficult, say it.

“Thank you for telling me the truth.”
“I know that was hard to say.”
“I’m proud of you for being honest.”

You can still hold a boundary while reinforcing the behavior you want.

3. Model It Yourself

Kids notice everything.

If they hear adults say:
“Tell them I’m not home.”
Or
“Just say we already mailed it.”

…they’re learning that honesty is flexible when it’s inconvenient.

We teach truth with our own truth.

The Bigger Goal

The goal is not to raise a child who never lies.

That’s not realistic.

The goal is to raise a child who learns:

honesty matters
mistakes can be repaired
truth builds trust
they don’t have to hide when they mess up

Because the truth is, every child will mess up.

Ours do.
Yours will.
Every kid we’ve ever worked with has.

The real question is:

When they do, do they believe they can come to you with the truth?

That’s the long game.

And that matters far more than whether they lied about the toothpaste yesterday morning.

One of the most common questions I hear at well visits is, “Why do pediatricians focus so much on the growth chart?”

Monitoring growth is one of the most important parts of routine pediatric care. Not because we’re assigning grades or comparing children to one another, but because growth is one of the clearest windows we have into a child’s overall health.

Children Grow in Recognizable Patterns

Healthy children tend to grow at relatively predictable rates.

The first two years of life are a period of rapid growth — especially the first three months.
Between age two and puberty, children typically grow about 2.5 inches and gain around 5 pounds per year.

While every child is unique, significant changes or outliers in growth patterns can sometimes signal an underlying medical issue. Growth isn’t just about size; it’s about what the body is doing behind the scenes.

When Growth Is Slower Than Expected

If a child isn’t growing as anticipated, there are three broad categories we consider (each with many possible diagnoses underneath):

Not taking in enough nutrition.
This is by far the most common cause and could be related to feeding challenges, picky eating, or other factors affecting intake.
Losing or not absorbing nutrition properly.
Conditions that cause chronic vomiting, diarrhea, or “leaky” intestines can prevent the body from absorbing nutrients effectively.
Burning too many calories.
Some children have underlying medical conditions that increase their metabolic demands. For example, children with chronic illnesses like congenital heart disease may require more calories simply to maintain normal body function. It’s as though the child is “always exercising” so therefore their calorie needs are high.

Growth helps us detect these concerns early — often before other symptoms become obvious.

When Growth Is Faster Than Expected

Rapid growth also deserves thoughtful evaluation. While it can be related to increased intake, certain medical conditions can cause growth that is faster than typical expectations. In these cases, it’s important to understand whether there may be implications for a child’s current or future health.

Growth Monitoring in Newborns

In newborns, growth monitoring is especially important.

As a pediatrician, I want to ensure your baby is getting enough nutrition to support healthy development. It can be challenging to know exactly how much a baby is taking in with breastfeeding, and formula mixing errors can easily happen — particularly when parents are exhausted (which is completely understandable!).

We also carefully measure head circumference. A head that isn’t growing as expected could signal an infection or genetic condition affecting brain development. A head growing more rapidly than expected could indicate excess fluid or, rarely, an abnormal mass — both of which require prompt evaluation.

These measurements aren’t routine just for routine’s sake — they’re powerful tools that help us protect your baby’s development.

It’s Not About the Percentile

You’ll notice I keep saying “as expected.” That’s intentional.

Your child’s percentile on the growth chart is not a grade. The 90th percentile is not an A. The 5th percentile is not an F.

What matters most is how your child is growing over time.

A child who has consistently tracked along the 90th percentile is growing beautifully. A child who has always been at the 5th percentile and continues steadily along that curve is also growing beautifully. Children come in all shapes and sizes — just like adults.

What catches my attention is when a child who has always been at the 90th percentile suddenly drops to the 5th (or vice versa). Significant shifts like that prompt us to ask questions and make sure nothing is interfering with healthy growth.

Growth Charts are a Tool

The growth chart is simply a tool; a way of telling your child’s health story over time. It helps me compare your child to themselves, not to anyone else.

As a pediatrician, my goal isn’t to create pressure or anxiety around numbers. It’s to partner with parents, watch trends carefully, and intervene early if something doesn’t look quite right. Growth charts are one of the many tools we use to evaluate your child’s health.

Tag Archive for: children

When Kids Lie: What’s Normal and What Needs Attention