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When Kids Lie: What’s Normal and What Needs Attention

No parent likes catching their child in a lie.

It can be frustrating.
It can be surprising.
And sometimes, if we’re being honest, it can feel a little personal.

You ask a simple question:

“Did you brush your teeth?”
“Yes.”

Toothbrush? Bone dry.

Or maybe it’s bigger.

“Did you finish your homework?”
“Yep.”
(You already know the answer is no.)

Or the one that really gets parents:

“Did you hit your brother?”
“No.”
…while the brother is standing there crying.

When kids lie, it can trigger all kinds of reactions in us. We start wondering:

Is this normal?
Is this a character issue?
Is something wrong?
Am I raising a dishonest kid?

Let us reassure you right away:

Most kids lie.
And most of the time, it does not mean you have a “bad kid.”

It means you have… a kid.

But that doesn’t mean all lying is the same.

Some of it is developmentally normal.
Some of it is testing boundaries.
And some of it is a signal that something deeper needs your attention.

The Kindergartener and the Missing Marker

Adam remembers talking with a little boy once who had taken a marker from his classroom and stuffed it in his backpack.

When the teacher asked about it, he looked her straight in the eye and said, “That’s not mine.”

A few minutes later, there it was, uncapped and rolling around at the bottom of his bag.

When I asked him why he lied, he burst into tears and said, “I didn’t want her to be mad at me.”

That’s important.

A lot of young kids don’t lie because they’re manipulative or sneaky in the way adults think of it. They lie because they are trying to avoid a consequence, escape embarrassment, or protect themselves from disappointment.

In other words: the lie is often less about deception and more about fear.

Why Kids Lie in the First Place

There are a lot of reasons kids lie, and not all of them are equal.

Sometimes kids lie because:

They want to avoid getting in trouble
They’re embarrassed
They want approval
They’re testing what they can get away with
They don’t fully understand the difference between fantasy and reality yet
They’re trying to protect someone else
They feel pressure to perform
They’re impulsive and answer before thinking

That’s why context matters so much.

A 5-year-old saying, “I didn’t eat the cookie,” with chocolate on their face is very different from an older child repeatedly lying in ways that hurt relationships or cover bigger patterns.

What’s Usually Normal

1. Little Lies to Avoid Trouble

This is the classic childhood lie.

“Did you spill that?”
“No.”

This is incredibly common, especially in younger kids. They know a rule was broken. They don’t want the consequence. They panic.

That doesn’t make it okay.
But it does make it understandable.

2. Imaginative or Exaggerated Stories

Young kids especially can blur the line between imagination and reality.

“I have a pet dragon.”
“My teacher let me be principal for the day.”
“I scored 10 goals at recess.”

Sometimes this is creativity.
Sometimes it’s wishful thinking.
Sometimes it’s social currency.

Usually, it’s not a red flag. It’s development.

3. “Performance Lies”

Older kids sometimes lie because they feel pressure.

They say they turned something in when they didn’t.
They say they studied when they didn’t.
They say everything is fine when it’s clearly not.

Often, this is less about dishonesty and more about fear of letting you down.

That doesn’t mean we excuse it.
But it does mean we should look beyond it.

What Needs More Attention

Sometimes lying is not just “kid stuff.”

Sometimes it’s a pattern that deserves a closer look.

1. The Lies Are Constant and Automatic

If a child lies even when the truth would be easier…
If they lie about small things that don’t seem to matter…
If it feels almost reflexive…

That’s worth paying attention to.

Sometimes this can be tied to anxiety, shame, impulsivity, or a long-standing habit of self-protection.

2. The Lies Are Causing Harm

There’s a difference between:

“I brushed my teeth.”

…and…

“She did it,” when they know they’re getting a sibling or peer in trouble.

When lying starts hurting other people, damaging trust, or causing real consequences, that moves into a different category.

3. The Lies Seem Tied to Bigger Emotional Struggles

If lying is showing up alongside:

big anxiety
school refusal
intense perfectionism
frequent emotional outbursts
major behavior changes
social struggles
low self-esteem

…then the lying may be a symptom, not the core issue.

And symptoms deserve curiosity, not just punishment.

4. The Child Shows No Remorse or No Concern About Trust

Most kids, when calm, understand that lying damages trust.

If a child consistently lies, doubles down, blames others, and shows no concern for the impact over time, that may be a sign you need more support and closer guidance.

That doesn’t mean panic.
But it does mean don’t ignore it.

What Parents Should Do in the Moment

1. Stay Calm

If your reaction is huge, your child learns one thing:

The truth is dangerous.

And if the truth feels dangerous, the lying often gets worse.

Calm doesn’t mean permissive.
It means controlled.

2. Focus on Safety First, Then Truth

A simple phrase I love:

“You’re not in trouble for telling me the truth. But we do need to tell the truth so we can fix it.”

That kind of language lowers the temperature and invites honesty.

3. Don’t Trap Them If You Already Know

This is a big one.

If you already know what happened, avoid the courtroom setup.

Instead of:
“Did you hit your brother?”

Try:
“I know there was hitting. Help me understand what happened.”

That shift reduces the instinct to deny.

4. Address the Lie and the Need Underneath It

If your child lies about homework, the issue isn’t only honesty.

It may also be:

overwhelm
avoidance
fear of failure
executive functioning struggles
shame

If we only punish the lie, we may miss the real problem.

How to Build Honesty Over Time

1. Make Truth-Telling Safe

Kids need to believe:

The truth matters
The truth helps
The truth may still have consequences, but it won’t destroy the relationship

That’s a huge difference.

2. Praise Honesty — Especially When It’s Hard

When your child admits something difficult, say it.

“Thank you for telling me the truth.”
“I know that was hard to say.”
“I’m proud of you for being honest.”

You can still hold a boundary while reinforcing the behavior you want.

3. Model It Yourself

Kids notice everything.

If they hear adults say:
“Tell them I’m not home.”
Or
“Just say we already mailed it.”

…they’re learning that honesty is flexible when it’s inconvenient.

We teach truth with our own truth.

The Bigger Goal

The goal is not to raise a child who never lies.

That’s not realistic.

The goal is to raise a child who learns:

honesty matters
mistakes can be repaired
truth builds trust
they don’t have to hide when they mess up

Because the truth is, every child will mess up.

Ours do.
Yours will.
Every kid we’ve ever worked with has.

The real question is:

When they do, do they believe they can come to you with the truth?

That’s the long game.

And that matters far more than whether they lied about the toothpaste yesterday morning.

Why Growth Charts Matter

One of the most common questions I hear at well visits is, “Why do pediatricians focus so much on the growth chart?”

Monitoring growth is one of the most important parts of routine pediatric care. Not because we’re assigning grades or comparing children to one another, but because growth is one of the clearest windows we have into a child’s overall health.

Children Grow in Recognizable Patterns

Healthy children tend to grow at relatively predictable rates.

The first two years of life are a period of rapid growth — especially the first three months.
Between age two and puberty, children typically grow about 2.5 inches and gain around 5 pounds per year.

While every child is unique, significant changes or outliers in growth patterns can sometimes signal an underlying medical issue. Growth isn’t just about size; it’s about what the body is doing behind the scenes.

When Growth Is Slower Than Expected

If a child isn’t growing as anticipated, there are three broad categories we consider (each with many possible diagnoses underneath):

Not taking in enough nutrition.
This is by far the most common cause and could be related to feeding challenges, picky eating, or other factors affecting intake.
Losing or not absorbing nutrition properly.
Conditions that cause chronic vomiting, diarrhea, or “leaky” intestines can prevent the body from absorbing nutrients effectively.
Burning too many calories.
Some children have underlying medical conditions that increase their metabolic demands. For example, children with chronic illnesses like congenital heart disease may require more calories simply to maintain normal body function. It’s as though the child is “always exercising” so therefore their calorie needs are high.

Growth helps us detect these concerns early — often before other symptoms become obvious.

When Growth Is Faster Than Expected

Rapid growth also deserves thoughtful evaluation. While it can be related to increased intake, certain medical conditions can cause growth that is faster than typical expectations. In these cases, it’s important to understand whether there may be implications for a child’s current or future health.

Growth Monitoring in Newborns

In newborns, growth monitoring is especially important.

As a pediatrician, I want to ensure your baby is getting enough nutrition to support healthy development. It can be challenging to know exactly how much a baby is taking in with breastfeeding, and formula mixing errors can easily happen — particularly when parents are exhausted (which is completely understandable!).

We also carefully measure head circumference. A head that isn’t growing as expected could signal an infection or genetic condition affecting brain development. A head growing more rapidly than expected could indicate excess fluid or, rarely, an abnormal mass — both of which require prompt evaluation.

These measurements aren’t routine just for routine’s sake — they’re powerful tools that help us protect your baby’s development.

It’s Not About the Percentile

You’ll notice I keep saying “as expected.” That’s intentional.

Your child’s percentile on the growth chart is not a grade. The 90th percentile is not an A. The 5th percentile is not an F.

What matters most is how your child is growing over time.

A child who has consistently tracked along the 90th percentile is growing beautifully. A child who has always been at the 5th percentile and continues steadily along that curve is also growing beautifully. Children come in all shapes and sizes — just like adults.

What catches my attention is when a child who has always been at the 90th percentile suddenly drops to the 5th (or vice versa). Significant shifts like that prompt us to ask questions and make sure nothing is interfering with healthy growth.

Growth Charts are a Tool

The growth chart is simply a tool; a way of telling your child’s health story over time. It helps me compare your child to themselves, not to anyone else.

As a pediatrician, my goal isn’t to create pressure or anxiety around numbers. It’s to partner with parents, watch trends carefully, and intervene early if something doesn’t look quite right. Growth charts are one of the many tools we use to evaluate your child’s health.

My Child Says “I Hate School”

We’ve heard those three words from hundreds of kids.

We’ve heard them in a principal’s office.
We’ve heard them whispered in a hallway.
We’ve heard them said with tears.
We’ve heard them said with crossed arms and defiance.

And we’ve heard them at our own kitchen table.

When your child says, “I hate school,” it hits you in the gut. Especially if you value education. Especially if you loved school. Especially if you’ve built your life around it.

Your first instinct might be to correct them.

“You don’t hate school.”
“School is important.”
“You have to go.”
“You’ll understand one day.”

But here’s what we’ve learned — as a principal, a pediatrician, and as parents:

When a child says they hate school, they’re almost never talking about school.

They’re talking about something underneath it.

The Third-Grade Breakdown

I (Adam) remember a third grader who landed in my office one morning refusing to go back to class. Arms folded. Backpack still on. Absolute shutdown mode.

“I hate school,” he said.

Now, this was a kid who had loved school the year before. So I didn’t argue. I didn’t convince. I just asked, “What happened?”

After a long pause, he said, “I’m bad at reading out loud. Everyone knows.”

There it was.

He didn’t hate school.
He hated feeling exposed.
He hated feeling behind.
He hated that pit in his stomach when his name was called.

When we slowed down and unpacked it, we were able to put supports in place. Extra reading practice. A heads-up before he had to read aloud. A teacher who quietly built his confidence instead of putting him on the spot.

Two months later? Different kid.

The words “I hate school” were really code for “I feel small.”

Sometimes It’s Not Academic

Other times, it has nothing to do with grades.

A middle schooler once told me (Jaclyn) she hated school. After some gentle conversation, it came out that she had no one to sit with at lunch.

That’s it.

Academically strong.
Athletically involved.
But lonely.

For kids, social pain is school pain. If it hurts in the cafeteria, it hurts everywhere.

What Not to Do

Let us say this clearly:

Don’t minimize it.

Even if it feels dramatic.
Even if it feels temporary.
Even if you think they’ll “get over it.”

When a child says they hate school, they’re trusting you with a feeling. If we dismiss it too quickly, they stop bringing us the hard stuff.

And we want the hard stuff.

What To Do Instead

1. Get Curious Before You Get Corrective

Instead of responding with logic, respond with curiosity.

“Tell me more.”
“What’s making it feel that way?”
“When did you start feeling this?”

You’re not interrogating. You’re inviting.

Most kids don’t have the language to articulate what’s wrong immediately. You may need a car ride. A walk. A bedtime conversation in the dark.

Patience beats pressure.

2. Look for Patterns

Is it every day? Or just Sundays?
Is it one subject? One teacher? One peer?
Did it start after a specific event?

Hate is often situational.

When you find the pattern, you find the lever.

3. Partner With the School — Don’t Weaponize It

As a former principal, I can tell you: educators want to know.

But how you approach them matters.

Instead of:
“My child hates your class.”

Try:
“My child has been struggling and I’d love to work together to figure out what’s going on.”

That posture changes everything. Now it’s not parent vs. teacher. It’s adults aligned around a child.

4. Separate “Hard” From “Harmful”

Sometimes school is hard.
Sometimes it’s uncomfortable.
Sometimes growth feels frustrating.

That’s normal.

But harmful is different.

If your child feels unsafe, persistently targeted, humiliated, or anxious to the point of physical symptoms — that’s not just “school is hard.” That deserves immediate attention.

As parents, we have to discern the difference.

5. Teach Them Language

One of the most powerful things we can do is help kids refine their feelings.

Instead of “I hate school,” maybe it becomes:

“Math feels overwhelming.”
“I feel nervous during presentations.”
“I don’t feel included at lunch.”
“I’m bored.”

Clarity creates solutions.
Vagueness creates helplessness.

A Word to Parents Who Loved School

If you were a kid who thrived in school, this can be especially confusing. You might think:

How can you hate school? It’s full of opportunity.

But your child isn’t you.

Different wiring.
Different strengths.
Different social dynamics.
Different era.

Our job isn’t to recreate our childhood experience for them. It’s to help them navigate theirs.

The Long Game

Here’s the hopeful part:

Very few kids truly hate school long-term.

What they hate is a season.
A situation.
A struggle.

When we slow down, listen deeply, and partner wisely, those seasons usually pass.

And sometimes, the very thing they once said they hated becomes the place they find confidence.

I’ve seen it happen.

Over and over.

So when your child says, “I hate school,” don’t panic.

Lean in.

There’s a story underneath those words.

And if you’re patient enough to uncover it, you just might help them rewrite it.

When Should I Worry About My Child’s Behavior?

We sat across from a parent who opened our visit with a quiet sigh and said, “I don’t know if this is just a phase…or something I should be worried about.” As a pediatrician (Jaclyn) and educator (Adam), we hear versions of this question frequently from our patients. Tantrums, defiance, anxiety, trouble focusing—these behaviors can feel alarming, especially when you start comparing your child to siblings, classmates, or what social media tells you is “normal.” The truth is, behavior exists on a wide spectrum, and most of what worries parents is actually developmentally appropriate. It’s just incredibly hard in the moment.

From an educator’s lens, Adam has seen how children grow in fits and starts. A behavior that feels overwhelming at home often looks very different in a classroom or structured environment. Kids test boundaries, struggle with emotional regulation, and communicate unmet needs through behavior long before they have the language to explain what’s going on inside. From a pediatrician’s perspective, Jaclyn also know that sleep, nutrition, stress, developmental stages, and family transitions all play a huge role. Behavior is rarely random. It’s communication.

So when should you start worrying? A helpful guideline we share with families is this: pay attention to patterns, persistence, and impact. If a behavior is happening across multiple settings (home, school, activities), lasts for several months, and interferes with learning, relationships, or daily routines, it’s worth exploring further. Sudden changes, especially following a major life event, or behaviors that seem extreme for your child’s age are also signs to pause and ask for support. Trust your instincts, but don’t let fear drive the narrative.

What we often reassure parents is that worrying doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with your child, or with your parenting. In fact, attentive concern is a strength. Kids thrive when adults notice them, reflect on their experiences, and respond with curiosity rather than panic. Some of the most meaningful progress we’ve seen has come not from quick fixes, but from slowing down, asking better questions, and building a team around the child.

If you’re navigating behavior challenges at home, here are a few practical tips:

Look for the why before reacting to the what. Ask yourself what your child might be communicating through their behavior.
Stay consistent, not perfect. Predictable routines and calm boundaries help children feel safe.
Separate the child from the behavior. You can address behavior while still affirming your child’s worth.
Partner with caregivers and teachers. Shared observations often reveal helpful patterns.
Reach out early. Pediatricians, educators, and therapists are most effective when we can support proactively, not reactively.

At Joyful Pediatrics, we believe behavior is part of whole-child health. Sometimes reassurance is all that’s needed. Sometimes deeper support makes a difference. Either way, you don’t have to figure it out alone. If you’re wondering whether it’s time to worry (or just time to talk) we’re here to listen, guide, and support your family with intention, empathy, and joy.

How Do I Get One of Those IEPs?

I am sitting in a meeting with a frustrated parent, desperate for her child to get the academic help that everyone in the room knew he needed. The child was in 5th grade, and for the past five years, it has become increasingly clear that this child is academically behind his peers. In fact, this year the gap is wider than ever before, and we all knew it was only going to get worse.

As we discussed the strategies we are using to provide support, differentiation, and interventions, the parent interrupts and says, “How do I get one of those IEPs for my son?”

An IEP, or Individualized Education Plan, is a customized plan for a student with special needs that outlines their educational goals and the services, accommodations, and support they will receive from the school to meet those goals. Many parents have heard about them through friends, teachers, or social media, but how exactly does a child receive an IEP?

The truth is, an IEP isn’t something you simply get. It’s something that is earned through a very specific process set by federal law. And while that process exists to protect students and ensure they receive the right services, it can feel confusing and slow for families who just want their child to succeed.

I explained to the parent that before a school can consider an IEP, the child must go through a formal evaluation to determine if they qualify for special education services under one of the recognized disability categories. This evaluation is not based on a single test, a teacher’s opinion, or even a bad year academically. It’s a comprehensive look at the whole child: strengths, weaknesses, classroom performance, assessment data, behavior, and how all of these factors impact the child’s ability to learn in the general education environment.

And here’s the part most parents don’t realize: schools are required to try a variety of interventions before referring a child for special education testing. That means targeted small-group instruction, progress monitoring, classroom accommodations, behavior supports—whatever is appropriate for the child’s specific needs. These steps aren’t delays; they’re attempts to support the student without immediately jumping to a label.

I could see the parent processing this, weighing the years of struggle her child had already experienced. She wasn’t wrong for wanting an IEP. She was advocating for her son, just like any parent would. But understanding the pathway to get there, and the reasons behind it, is the first step in making sure children get the help they truly need.

If you relate to this experience, or know someone who can, here are three tips to help move through what can sometimes be a confusing and lengthy process:

1. Document everything—consistently and clearly.
Keep a running record of your child’s struggles, strengths, work samples, test scores, and any communication with teachers. The more concrete data you have, the easier it is for the school team to see patterns over time and determine whether additional evaluation is warranted. Documentation doesn’t need to be fancy—just consistent.

2. Ask for an evaluation in writing.
If you believe your child needs to be formally evaluated for an IEP, submit a written request to the school. This triggers a legal timeline for the school to respond. Be specific in your concerns and share examples of what you’re seeing at home. A written request ensures that the process is formalized and tracked.

3. Stay collaborative, not combative.
It’s natural to feel emotional or frustrated, but approaching the school as a partner rather than an adversary almost always leads to better outcomes. Ask questions, seek clarification, and remember that you and the school both want the same thing: a plan that supports your child’s success. Collaboration sets the tone for a stronger, more productive IEP process.

By: Dr. Adam Dovico

What kind of pediatrician do parents want?

One of my goals in opening Joyful Pediatrics was to make sure I could practice and be the kind of doctor that parents wanted and one that I knew I could be. I commonly ask parents, “What are you looking for in a pediatrician?” By far the most frequent answer is a pediatrician who actually listens to them, and doesn’t make them “feel dumb” for asking questions or not understanding.

I thought a lot about this and wondered why so many families had this experience. I know it’s not the goal of a pediatrician to make a parent feel that way – so why does this happen?

I think it’s multifaceted. The system in which most physicians operate carries the most blame. Reimbursement in the fee-for-service model continues to decline as costs keep rising. This means physicians, even private practice ones, need to see more and more patients each day just to stay afloat. It’s commonly touted that a primary care physician has 1500-2500 patients on their panel and sees 30 (or more) patients per day. While those numbers are slightly higher than my personal private practice experience, most physicians agree those are relatively accurate.

This makes it difficult to spend a great deal of time with any one patient or family. Anytime that we do, it means that other patients and families get shortchanged. That’s not a good feeling. Limited time per family forces doctors to breeze through diagnoses and plans because we understand them completely and know why we are recommending them.

That’s not the type of pediatrician I wanted to be. I think a huge part of being a pediatrician is educating families – breaking down medically complex topics into understandable guidance. I love being a teacher and explaining the “why” behind my decisions and recommendations. Families appreciate it too. No one wants the “because I said so” reasoning, because it creates an adversarial rather than collaborative relationship.

I love the parent and patient experience that direct pediatric care offers. My default is to spend an hour with families, possibly longer with new patients. I really get to know the parents and the children, which improves my ability to provide medical care. If parents have a question about something I said after a visit, they’re always welcome to call or text me directly. This allows me to provide what I consider the highest level of care for children and their families. Kids deserve that.

Do Pediatricians Profit from Vaccines? A Doctor Explains the Facts

If I had to pick the piece of misinformation circulating around social media that drives me nuts, it’s that pediatricians are making “big bucks” from giving vaccines. That could not be further from the truth.

Like most misinformation, it starts with a kernel of fact that then grows, and becomes exaggerated and twisted to imply something completely different than that small truth. There are a few (not many) insurance companies that will reimburse slightly higher if physicians meet certain metrics. Those metrics can include patients coming in on time for their yearly visits, blood tests improving, and yes, even vaccines.

This stems from the fact that the current insurance-based system does not really reward great medical care over mediocre medical care. Seeing 50 patients per day quickly, and providing average care reimburses much more than seeing 25 patients per day, and providing extraordinary care – even if the physician is spending the exact same amount of time working. This is opposite of most industries, where a higher performing product or service generally has higher financial reward. If a company makes a really good widget, they will sell more and can charge a higher price than a company that makes an average widget.

People are not widgets though, so it’s difficult to quantify “better” care. These metrics related to reimbursement are an attempt to reward better care in a quantifiable way, knowing it’s difficult to quantify patients’ health.

Pediatricians give the most vaccines and we are the lowest paid medical specialty. That right there should tell you that vaccines are not highly profitable for pediatricians. We have to purchase vaccine refrigerators and freezers (much more expensive than home models) and high-tech thermometers to make sure the temperatures are always in range. Most practices pay a staff to give them and record them in the medical record and the immunization registry. We have to purchase different sized needles, alcohol wipes, bandaids and pay to dispose of sharps in a special container. Immunizations range from ~$20 a piece to almost $500 for one dose. Practices often have a large up-front investment and hope that insurance will reimburse enough to break even.

The riskiest part is mistakes or waste. If a vaccine is drawn up and not used, it must be disposed of properly, and the practice is responsible for the cost. If there are too many vaccines that have expired, often companies will only let a certain percentage be returned. Recently, I made just ONE mistake – thinking the company I use for vaccines was contracted with ONE patient’s insurance and it wasn’t – and I lost $150.

While it’s impossible for me to look at every pediatric practice’s financial records, I firmly believe that most pediatric practices would save money (and time) by not carrying vaccines. Most do though, despite the financial risk, because we care about your child and their health.